RECOVERY / POST-MATCH8,412
COPEX
Cope Suppression Matrix™
Clinically dosed post-loss recovery. Neutralizes the urge to type “gg ez lag” within 11 minutes.
$49$64
60 capsules / 30 losses
CLINICAL-GRADE ESPORTS PERFORMANCE NUTRITION
FROM E-CHUD
TO GIGACHAD.
OVERNIGHT.
MOGGEN.US® formulates premium, science-adjacent supplements for the terminally online. Six products. One protocol. Zero excuses, except lag.
- 2.1M
- Ranked players served
- 47
- Peer-reviewed Reddit threads
- −41ms
- Avg. reaction time
- 0
- FDA approvals (yet)
AS SEEN INr/LivestreamFailA Discord serverTwitch ChatESPN (submission rejected)Some guy’s SubstackThe Lancet (cc’d)
Lab formulated
Developed in a state-of-the-art facility, which is a garage with an RGB light strip.
Third-party tested
Every batch is tested by a third party. His name is Derek. He says it’s fine.
Fast acting
Effects begin in under 20 minutes, or immediately if you saw the price.
THE CORE STACK
SHOP PERFORMANCE
Five formulas, each targeting a specific deficiency in the modern online competitor. Take one. Take all five. We legally cannot tell you which.
PRE-MATCH / FACECAM21,907
MOGGEN
Jawline Pre-Workout
Our namesake pre-workout. 400 mg caffeine, 2 g Beta-Mogxine, and enough canthal tilt to clip through walls.
$59
30 scoops
MASS / STAMINA12,330
GIGAGEN
Testosterone-Adjacent Gamer Blend
A 5 lb mass gainer for players whose only cardio is alt-tabbing. Converts Doritos dust into raw MMR.
$79$99
5 lb / 20 servings
FOCUS / CLUTCH5,118
LOCK IN
Zero-Distraction Focus Formula
A 16 oz focus drink that suppresses TikTok, Reddit, and the urge to check if she texted back.
$39
12 × 16 oz cans
IN-MATCH / MECHANICS3,877
DIFF
Skill-Gap Chewable Tablets
Fast-dissolve tablets that widen the skill gap between you and the guy who said "jungle diff."
$34
20 tablets
BUNDLE / SAVE NOTHING
THE FULL STACK
All five core formulas in one order. Clinically proven to make your desk look like a pharmacy sponsored by a Lamborghini dealership.
$260
Same price as buying them separately. Feels better though.
FLAGSHIP · SEASON 7 · 500 VIALS
ASCENSION
The Ultra-Premium Flagship Elixir
ASCENSION is not a supplement. It is a promotion. Hand-bottled in a climate-controlled facility near a Swiss lake that we cannot legally name, each vial contains the culmination of eleven years of research, four lawsuits, and one extremely confident intern.
+∞%
Overall aura
Overnight
Time to gigachad
500
Vials this season
$1,499Full dossier →
Financing available. Ask your parents. Then ask them again, but with more aura.
RESEARCH & DEVELOPMENT
BACKED BY SCIENCE-ADJACENT DATA
Our in-house research team (four guys and a whiteboard) has conducted over 300 studies, several of which had a control group. The results speak for themselves, mostly because nobody else will.
* GCI is a proprietary metric we invented on D0. Day 1 spike attributed to "the placebo of having bought something."
- 01
Baseline
Subject presents as an e-chud. Posture: shrimp. Diet: orange. Vocabulary: "ratio."
- 02
Stack
COPEX, MOGGEN, GIGAGEN, LOCK IN, and DIFF administered on a strict ranked-queue schedule.
- 03
Lock in
Peripheral vision disabled. Phone placed in another zip code. Grind initiated.
- 04
Ascend
One drop of ASCENSION. Subject wakes up with a jawline, a contract, and no memory of Silver.
* Y-axis truncated for your protection. The LOCK IN bar extends several meters past your monitor.
* Measured by a protractor held against a monitor. Results not reviewed by any jaw.
VERIFIED OUTCOMES
BEFORE / AFTER
Median results from 30 days on the full MOGGEN stack. Participants were not compensated, but they were told they looked great.
| METRIC | BEFORE | AFTER |
|---|---|---|
| Average rank | Silver II | Grandmaster |
| Hours slept | 3.1 | 3.1 (but focused) |
| Times said “gg ez” | 41 / week | 0 (they just know) |
| Shoulder-to-chair ratio | 0.6 | 1.4 |
| Facecam viewers | 2 (alts) | 2,400 (real-ish) |
54,141 FIVE-STAR ASCENSIONS
4.8 average · 0 reviews written by our interns (confirmed by our interns)
COPEX
“I lost and said "nice shot"”
I have never said those words before. My duo asked if I was okay. I am more than okay. I am regulated.
MOGGEN
“my jaw has a jaw now”
Took one scoop before scrims. Enemy team forfeited at pistol round citing "vibes." Coach asked me to turn off my camera because it was intimidating our own players.
GIGAGEN
“Had to buy a new chair”
Old chair filed a complaint. New chair is a throne. I do not queue anymore. I arrive.
LOCK IN
“Missed my own birthday”
Was locked in. Hit Immortal. Family left cake by the door. It was still good the next day. 10/10.
DIFF
“I am the diff now”
Used to get flamed for being the diff. Now I am the diff in a positive way. My team calls me "the gap."
ASCENSION
“I do not remember being Silver”
People show me VODs of my old games and I genuinely do not recognize that man. He seemed nice. He was bad.
IT IS TIME TO LOCK IN.
Your opponents are already on the stack. Your teammates are already on the stack. Your mom asked what “the stack” is. Don’t get left behind.
Begin ascension